


Dissociating

by JiminWreckedSugaBias



Series: Maknae Line Hurt/Comfort Fics [40]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Dehydration, Disclaimer: I'm Not A Doctor, Dissociation, Felix dissociates, Hurt Felix, Kinda Jisung-centric toward the end, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, Mother Hen Bang Chan, but okay, cant believe i have to type that every time, idk what else to tag lol, im bad at tagging help, probably medical inaccuracies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:28:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25887352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JiminWreckedSugaBias/pseuds/JiminWreckedSugaBias
Summary: Felix had woken up that morning feeling mostly fine, though he wasn't able to eat much at breakfast. Now it was time for dance practice and he felt numb, lethargic, and just... not real. He wasn't sure what was happening, and he was sure zoning out that much wasn't normal, but he didn't have the energy to worry about it, much less care.ORFelix dissociates during dance practice and it causes his hyungs to worry. Just another Felix-centric fic because in my opinion there aren't enough of them, so I'm gonna add to it!
Series: Maknae Line Hurt/Comfort Fics [40]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1220564
Comments: 20
Kudos: 358





	Dissociating

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: There are probably medical inaccuracies, because ya know, I'm not a doctor. This is just fanFICTION. I feel like I have to put this disclaimer on every fic because if I don't someone gets a lil offended or somethin and mentions it in the comments. I write for fun, and I dont think that the medical inaccuracies are too extreme. I will admit that the medication stuff might be slightly inaccurate, but I have been on an SSRI before and I'm currently on a mood stabilizer. 
> 
> I started writing this fic during a depressive episode I had last night, and I was starting to dissociate, and it's also based on other experiences I've had while dissociating, so sorry if my symptoms are medically inaccurate (: 
> 
> ANYWAYS enough of the salt, I just had to vent for a sec.

Felix stared at his phone, scrolling through twitter but not really doing anything. He was zoning out, really, but he didn’t want the others to know how bad. They would get worried. 

He had woken up feeling kind of okay despite only getting like three hours of sleep, but around six hours later, he started feeling… numb. He couldn’t put into words how he felt, he really couldn’t. 

He didn’t have the energy or motivation for anything, but he had motivation enough to make it through half of dance practice without passing out from dehydration (Changbin hyung made sure he ate, but Felix never had the energy to remember to drink water). He felt lethargic, like he can’t do anything, standing even seemed too much. 

He felt like if he stood up right now, he  _ would _ pass out. Unfortunately for him, they were just taking a break from practice and had to get back to it in about five minutes. He really thought he would pass out at this rate, but his water bottle was so far away, and he didn’t have the energy to go get it. God forbid he crawl to go get it. He couldn’t handle the embarrassment. 

“Lixie.” Felix blinked after a beat of silence before looking up at the concerned face of Jisung, who was holding out a water bottle and granola bar. “You should eat this and drink water.” 

Felix smiled weakly at the day older boy and he took a lazy drink of water before he clumsily opened the granola bar, taking a small bite of it and chewing slowly. He didn’t realize how bad it looked to the others who were watching him eat, and he couldn’t care at the moment either. He had eaten everything given to him for breakfast, and lunch was after practice. He would just make sure to drink apple juice and eat a little more protein for that meal. 

He had just finished half the granola bar when the instructor called the break over, and Felix groaned as he stood, leaning against the wall for a second to stabilize himself. 

“Lix, you good?” Seungmin asked, putting a hand on his shoulder. Felix nodded, his eyes felt dull and heavy. He didn’t notice the scared expression on the slightly younger, going into position for Voices. The music started and they were all dancing, but Felix couldn’t bring himself to put as much passion into it as the others. He just zoned out a bit and let muscle memory do it’s thing. 

Black spots started invading his vision, but they were so close to finishing, they had less than a minute of the song left. He just needed to make it through. 

No luck, as his vision was mostly black, like a tunnel. He was aware of finishing the song, and he could feel himself walking to the corner by his backpack and sitting down. He could hear people call his name, but he couldn’t reply. His vision went black for a moment, but when it came back Chan was right in front of him. 

“Mate, drink this.” Chan said, and Felix tried to take it with shaky hands, but the leader ended up holding it up to his lips for him. The younger took slow drinks, and Chan didn’t rush him. After a while, his vision finally went back to normal and his hearing wasn’t as fuzzy. 

“You back with us?” Seungmin asked from next to him. Felix nodded and looked down in embarrassment, and his eyes widened in horror at the realization of how bad this looked for him. 

“We need to talk about this, but we’ll do it back at the dorm. Dance practice is over.” Chan said. Felix felt tears swelling in his eyes. “Minnie is gonna help you get ready and in the van, I have to stay behind for a second to talk to the instructor. I’ll meet you guys in the van.” 

Felix couldn’t say anything as Chan left. He was still numb, but this was a painful numb. A self loathing numb. 

Seungmin gently took one of Felix’s hands in his own and gave him a smile. Felix tried to return it, he really did, but he thinks it was really strained. Seungmin didn’t seem to mind though, and instead squeezed his hand before gathering the other’s stuff. 

“Seungmin, I have your stuff.” Hyunjin said. Seungmin nodded in thanks but other than that kept his attention on Felix. 

“Hyung, can you drink a bit more water?” Seungmin asked. Felix nodded and he drank some more water, feeling a bit better when he drank a significant amount of it. Seungmin put Felix’s backpack on and helped Felix stand, wrapping the smaller’s arm around his shoulder to keep him balanced. 

They walked together out of the practice room and they all piled into the elevator. The trip down was silent besides Jisung and Minho’s quiet conversation with each other, and Felix was glad for the silence. He just wanted everything to be silent, wanted to just sleep for-

“Felix.” He refocused his vision and saw that they were van already, and Minho was looking at him in concern. “What did we just say?” He asked, concern laced in his voice. 

“I-” he thought about lying, but he was too exhausted to think of one. “I honestly didn’t even realize we left the elevator.” 

Looks were exchanged between the members and Felix was sat in the van with Minho next to him, and Minho had a hand on the boy’s wrist, two fingers pressed into the side and Felix knew that the boy was keeping track of his pulse. 

He didn’t understand why, though. It wasn’t like he was having an anxiety attack, or had he been? He honestly didn’t even know anymore. 

Chan joined them about five minutes later, and he immediately saw Minho’s hand on Felix’s wrist. 

“Minho, what’s up?” He asked. More concern. Felix was starting to have a love-hate relationship with the sound. 

“He was really zoned out and his breathing was shallow and fast when we got to the van. It took a minute to get his attention and he said that he didn’t realize we had even left the elevator.” Minho said. Felix didn’t have the energy to be embarrassed that they were talking about him like he wasn’t there. 

“Felix, can you look at me?” Chan asked. It took a few seconds but the younger aussie did so. “Do you think you had a panic attack?” 

Felix shrugged. He doesn’t remember thinking of anything panic worthy, besides just wanting to sleep for the rest of the year, but maybe his brain was panicking about the fact that he definitely couldn’t do that. He looked back ahead, letting his eyes unfocus again. 

“He hasn’t said anything since the practice room except telling us he didn’t remember getting out of the elevator.” Jisung said. “He keeps zoning out, there’s always this glassy look in his eyes.” 

“Changbin, he ate this morning right?” Chan asked, looking at the rapper. 

“Yeah, I managed to get him to eat most of it, but he said he felt nauseous so we stopped and I gave him some baking soda water to sip on.” 

Chan nodded, approving of the course of action. A teaspoon of baking soda in a cup of water usually helped to relieve an upset stomach when it was sipped on slowly. Chan made it for Jeongin a few times when the maknae had eaten too much ice cream and felt like he would puke. 

“It isn’t out of the ordinary for him to still get an upset stomach when he eats.” Seungmin said. “He usually isn’t hungry in the mornings anyways.” 

“I know, but I’m worried about the zoning out being from lack of food, but if he ate a decent amount this morning, it might be that he’s sick.” Chan said. Minho reached over and put his hand on Felix’s forehead, his eyebrows furrowing when there was no response from the other boy, and shook his head. 

“No fever, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t sick.” 

“How’s his pulse, Minho?” Chan asked. 

“It’s fine, I just want to monitor to make sure I know if he has another panic attack, or whatever that was earlier.” Minho’s eyes furrowed again and he leaned forward and looked into Felix’s eyes. 

“What’s happening?” Jisung asked. 

“His pulse picked up.” He muttered. “Felix?” 

Now, don’t get Felix wrong. He could hear and see everything. He just felt he couldn’t interact. He felt like everything around him was a 3D tv and he was just observing. Like those wall tvs in that book Fahrenheit451 that he was forced to read in school or something. 

He felt like he was just… a viewer of someone else’s life. It felt like an out of body experience in his own body-

“Felix, can you look at me?” Minho asked. Felix took a deliberate breath, followed by another one, and he was breathing hard. He really wanted to but everything was so hard. “Felix, take calm breaths, you’re okay. You’re safe, I promise.” 

“Wait,” Jisung said, and everyone looked at him, but Minho soon turned his attention back to Felix, “I think Felix is dissociating. The glossy eyes, not talking, hyperventilating, not realizing he had left the elevator? Remember when I did that after the concert in California?” 

Everyone felt stupid for not realizing sooner, but at least that had an idea of what was happening now. Minho was still trying to get Felix to look at him, but his breathing had evened out at least. 

“I have an idea.” Jisung said. He went and sat in front of Felix, taking his other hand in his own. “Lix, are you able to squeeze my hand?” 

Felix tried, and he succeeded. He didn’t even have to look at him. 

“That’s good, Lix. Squeeze once for yes and twice for no, do you understand?” 

He squeezed his friend’s hand again. 

“Do you feel like you aren’t really here with us? Like you’re kind of just… watching instead of living in the moment?” 

Another squeeze. 

“Do you remember where we are?” 

One squeeze. 

“Do you think you can talk?”

Two squeezes. 

“Do you remember passing out for a second in dance practice? When you went to sit on the wall?”

Felix hesitated but he did vaguely remember. He squeezed the boy’s hand gently.

“Was that a kind of?” 

One squeeze, and Felix was grateful that the other knew what he meant. 

“Hold on,” Minho said, replacing Jisung’s hand with his own. “Felix, do you feel like you’re going to pass out again? 

Two squeezes. 

“Do you know why you passed out?” 

Felix did a flutter kind of squeeze.

“I’m assuming that was a kind of?” 

One squeeze. 

“Have you ever dissociated before?” 

Two squeezes. 

“It seems scary, but I promise you’re safe with us.” Minho said. “I need you to understand that if this gets worse and we can’t get a reaction out of you or if you pass out again, we have to take you to the hospital. Do you understand?” 

Felix squeezed Minho’s hand once and he felt tears fall down his cheeks. He couldn’t reach a hand up though. He just couldn’t. He felt frozen. 

“Oh, hun.” Jisung said, reaching up and wiping the tears for him. 

“Let’s get to the dorm.” Chan said. “Minho, you stay next to Felix and keep an eye on him.” 

“Will do.” Minho said. 

The ride back was literally a blur for Felix. All he really knew was that Minho’s hand never left his wrist. He was monitoring his pulse for the entire trip. 

It had only felt like five minutes, but they made it to the dorm, so Felix knew it had been longer. This was starting to scare him. A part of him wanted to go back to normal, but he didn’t have the energy to at all. He felt like he didn’t have any control over this. 

Somehow they had got him in the dorm, and there was tea being put on the coffee table in front of him. Minho was still next to him, fingers still gently pressed into the side of his wrist. 

“Wait til this cools down before helping him drink it.” Chan said. Minho nodded, and Felix noticed out of the corner of his eye that Seungmin sat on his other side. 

“If you want to keep track of his pulse still, hyung, I can help him drink it.” The younger said, and Minho smiled gratefully. 

“To be honest, there’s probably no reason to track his pulse, but…” 

“It makes you feel better?” Chan asked. Minho nodded. “That’s understandable. I’ll be right back.” 

Felix saw Chan leave, and more tears fell down his cheek at the feeling of loneliness. Despite having Minho and Seungmin literally right next to him, Chan was always a safe haven for him. He was always a touch of home when he was so far away, Chan always made him feel safe. 

So watching the older Aussie walk away when Felix was already feeling so isolated was heartbreaking. 

“Felix, you’re okay.” Minho said, wiping his tears with his free hand. “Chan will be right back. He would never leave you when you were like this.” 

Felix squeezed his hand into a fist gently, and Seungmin held his hand. 

“Did you want us to tell us something?” Seungmin asked. 

A squeeze, but he wasn’t sure how to tell them. He barely registered that they were right in front of him for real. 

“Is it about Chan?” 

A squeeze. Apparently Seungmin was really good at guessing. 

“Wait, do you think if we gave you a phone, you could type?” 

Felix thought about it for a second, giving Seungmin’s hand a gentle squeeze. 

“Gentle squeeze means maybe, right?” Seungmin asked. Minho nodded. 

“Let’s make maybe be two squeezes, and no be three. Is that okay Felix?” Minho asked. Felix squeezed Seungmin’s hand once. 

“He said yeah.” Seungmin said. “I think your tea is cool enough, do you want to try to drink it?” 

A single squeeze, and Seungmin let go of his hand to pick up the cup carefully. He held it up for Felix to drink from, and he managed a few drinks before Seungmin pulled the cup away, not wanting him to drink too much at once. 

Felix actually did feel a bit calmer after drinking some of the tea. He wasn’t sure what it was about it, but he felt a bit more in control of his body. He took a slow deep breath and shook his head a bit, trying to get more in control of his body. 

“Lix, you back with us?” Minho asked. Chan came out in time to see Felix slowly nod his head. 

“Y-Yeah.” Felix’s voice was really choppy and strained, but the others didn’t mind. He had spoken for the first time since the van at the company and they were happy about the progress. 

“Do you want some more tea?” Seungmin asked. Felix nodded, and the cup was brought to his lips. Felix drank a bit more before he shakily brought up a hand to the cup and lowered it himself, but Seungmin’s hand was still on it to keep it stable. Felix’s hands were a bit shaky and he didn’t want it to spill. 

“Felix,” Chan said, and the younger looked over at him, hope in his wide eyes. “we do need to talk about this. Do you think you’re ready to?” 

Felix thought about it. He was lucid enough to know what was happening and he figured talking about it would keep him occupied enough to not slip back into it. He nodded, and soon everyone was sitting in the living room, Chan sitting in Minho’s spot now that the older dancer deemed it unnecessary to keep track of his pulse any longer. 

“Felix, do you think you can give verbal answers?” Chan asked. Felix nodded. 

“Might not be long, but yes.” He said shakily. It took a lot of effort to use his voice, but he was determined to not dissociate again. 

“We’ll try to keep this short, baby.” The leader said before kissing his head. “Do you know why you passed out at dance practice? Changbin said you ate food, but we need to know for sure.” 

“Dehydrated. Didn’t drink lots of water before practice.” He said, clearing his throat a bit. “Ate enough with Changbin hyung but wasn’t that hungry.” 

“Changbin said that you felt sick this morning, can you explain?” Seungmin asked. 

“Woke up feeling off. Ate as much as I could. Felt sick after a while. Didn’t wanna throw up.” 

Chan seemed to be thinking, and it made Felix nervous. He didn’t want them to not believe him, he was being honest with them. 

“Do you know why you dissociated? Have you been feeling stressed?” Jisung asked. Felix shrugged a bit. 

“Not sure. Felt numb after this morning. Everything took a lot of energy.” 

“Dance practice probably took a lot out of you, huh aegi?” Chan asked, bringing the younger aussie into a hug. Felix nodded and felt tears in his eyes, which Seungmin gently wiped away. 

“Do you think it was just the combination of dehydration and feeling numb that made you pass out?” Minho asked. Felix nodded. 

“Made sure to eat enough at breakfast. Knew I was gonna be low on energy so tried to eat enough to last, but not enough to puke.” 

Chan seemed to be okay with the answer and kissed Felix’s head again. 

“I’m proud of you for talking to us Lixie. I want you to see the company psychiatrist though, just a couple of sessions like Sungie did when he dissociated, so we can figure out what will work for you for identifying and communicating when it happens.” Chan said, and Felix felt more tears falling faster. Seungmin cooed and wiped them away best he could. 

“Hun, it isn’t a bad thing, we’re just worried.” The slightly younger said. 

“Lixie,” Chan said, “it’s only going to be about the dissociating, not anything else. I know that you didn’t mean to get too dehydrated and usually it isn’t a problem. It was only an issue today because of the dissociating and numb feeling, right?” 

Felix nodded and sniffed, trying to stop the tears. 

“Do you want someone with you when you go in?” Changbin asked. “None of us will be upset with either choice.” 

Felix thought about it for a total of two seconds before turning to Chan. The leader smiled and once again kissed the younger’s head. 

“Of course I’ll go with you, Lixie. I promise to keep it about the dissociating only. I won’t mention anything else, you’re doing so good with recovering from the other stuff.” Felix felt his heart flutter at the praise, and he snuggled close to his fellow aussie. 

“So it’s set.” Changbin said. “Felix will see the psychiatrist and figure out ways that he can cope with it, and figure out how to tell us if it gets too bad or out of his control.” 

“Hyung,” Jisung said shyly. Everyone older than him including Hyunjin looked at him, and he blushed, “Chan hyung, do you think you could make me another appointment too? I was too scared to tell you guys because I’ve been doing really well with it lately, but it almost happened yesterday.” 

Chan smiled at Jisung. “I’m really proud of you for saying something Jisungie, and I’ll make you an appointment when I call to make Lixie’s.” 

Jisung blushed at the praise and put his head down in embarrassment. Hyunjin cooed and wrapped his arms around the rapper. Chan smiled at the sight before clearing his throat. 

“Okay, everyone is gonna have something to eat, and then Sungie and Lixie are gonna come with me to my room and we’re gonna sit down and just relax.” Chan said. Everyone nodded and went into the kitchen to get some food. 

Chan looked down at Felix and he once again kissed his head.  **(A.N.: I will not apologize for the excessive head kisses)** “What does Lixie want to eat?” 

“Can I have some of the strawberry pancakes?” he asked. Chan smiled and nodded. Changbin had heard them and called to them that he would get it ready so the two could stay on the couch and asked what Chan wanted. 

“I’ll take some of the leftover french toast.” He said, and Changbin made a sound of confirmation. 

The rest of the night was chill and relaxed. 

In the morning, Chan called and he managed to get Felix a same day appointment, and Jisung an appointment for two hours after. 

Felix’s appointment went very well, and he communicated very clearly what he had felt, and Chan felt bad for the boy, but proud at how well he was communicating. The psychiatrist recommended an SSRI for him, effective immediately, and told both of them the side effects of them and what to look out for. 

Felix wasn’t sure how to feel about being prescribed medicine, and was a little worried when the side effect of loss of appetite was listed. Chan seemed to be worried too, and the psychologist noticed. 

“I know as idols you’re supposed to maintain a certain weight, but if you see his weight decreasing, give him a couple extra protein shakes per day and let me know. I’ll have the company decrease his exercise plan if it happens.” 

Chan seemed content with that, and Felix felt iffy about it. He would just have to try not to lose too much weight. He didn’t want to be sitting back in this chair for that reason. 

The two left the office with a prescription in hand, and Chan promised to go fill it after they figured out if Jisung would be getting one as well. 

Jisung did.

His appointment had been a bit shorter than Felix’s because he had already been seen by this person, but this time he had been prescribed a mood stabilizer. Jisung had wanted Chan to be at the appointment as well so he didn’t have to recap, and Chan asked why that specific medication, and the psychiatrist said that it was because Jisung had other mental issues that were involved and that an SSRI would be more of a problem than a solution. 

The mood stabilizer would be better to start with since Jisung’s dissociative episodes were less depressive and more due to fast mood fluctuations that exhausted his mind and caused the dissociation. 

Chan accepted the answer, and they too left the office with a prescription. While they waited for them to be filled, he took them to a nearby cafe and let them order whatever they wanted. Jisung got cheesecake and an iced white mocha americano, and Felix got a strawberry scone and a white mocha cold brew. 

Chan let the excessive caffeine pass since the boy was still exhausted from the day before and they did have a small schedule later. It was just a group vlive, but it was still something he had to be awake for. 

The next week was new for everyone, but the same as well. In the morning, Felix and Jisung would take their meds with breakfast, Changbin making sure Felix took his and Minho making sure Jisung took his. It was like that every morning, and in the evening they would meet briefly for the boys to tell them how they felt about the medications and if it had helped them that day. 

Even though they knew that it took time for the meds to build up in their system, they just wanted to check in to see how the meds worked each day, and see how they improved on a day to day basis. 

Felix was feeling happier altogether each day, but he did have a small depressive episode during the first week. The psychiatrist said it was normal when the meds were working into the system and to only worry if it lasted longer than a week. 

Jisung had felt kind of weird when his meds were working into his system, but he did notice that his anxiety was less unpredictable and the members had learned his anxiety tells long ago. 

The two boys were improving, and it made the rest of the group happy. It made them proud of the two’s improvements. 

  
  


  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!!!!! I hope you liked it!!!
> 
> I wanna say again that there might be medical inaccuracies here with the medication stuff, but all the symptoms described of dissociating are stuff that I've experienced before, so sorry if they're different from yours, but everyone is different.  
> I've literally felt like the world around me was on a spherical green screen or that I was in a tv show and everything around me was happening separate from my life, like I described in the fic. It's not fun and it makes you feel so alone. 
> 
> ANYWAYS comments and kudos are always appreciated! If you have questions about it that aren't too personal, I'll be happy to answer, but if they're too personal I'll let you know in the nicest way I can!


End file.
